Rihanna’s a busy girl these days. About 3 months into the year, BadGalRiri has already dropped an album, had some major werk at the Brits, released two quintessentially Rihanna-esque videos, debuted a collection at NYFW, and is now prepping for a tour. And like any self-respecting celebrity, the lady also dished out a collab with, let’s face it, the real star of Sex and the City: Manolo Blahnik, and it's called Denim Desserts.
That’s right – Denim Desserts. The capsule drops in May and features 6 pairs of shoes inspired in equal parts by the Wild West, the pop star’s tattoo obsession, her risqué burlesque-meets-2016 aesthetic and good old denim, but here’s what we’re still trying to wrap our heads around: a certain pair of boots called 9 to 5 that refuses to be ignored. (Don’t worry 9 to 5, we weren’t planning on it.)
thigh waist-high pair of conversation starters below is confounding to me for various reasons, although to be fair, Rihanna has tried to explain these boots to her fans:
“Guuurrrl! Those boots are dangerous! If you’re trying to get back home to your bed, don’t wear them boots!” she says. “You will get kidnapped in those boots, those boots are trouble.”
Point noted, Rihanna. I still have some questions, though:
– First things first: are those boot-chaps? Or are they jeans that realized that they were going to be in this month’s Vogue and figured plain old denim just wouldn’t do? #confused
– Also, Riri, I’m not sure I want to leave home with them boots, let alone get back to bed with them, because what am I going to wear them with? I mean, you look great in them, sure, but are there other ways to wear them that don’t involve distressed booty shorts or a part-diaper, part-shapewear-like bottom? Do you think they’d work with the dress-over-pants trend? Can Anna Dello Russo help me out here?
– Which brings us to the nomenclature: why are the boots called 9 to 5? Satire? I don’t know about you guys, but if I ever decided to fork out $3,995, (which is about 10x my current life savings) on these, the office is exactly where you wouldn’t find me wearing them. I can’t make a living just singing about work now, can I?
– Are these the kind of boots you could wear on a date? is a question Vogue asked her, to which she is said to have responded, “Depends on what kind of date you’re trying to have,” leaving us just as clueless as ever. Here’s what I say: if it’s the kind of date that ends in dessert, nah mean, then these boots were meant for more than walking – consider the ease of the open front and back. And if you drink too much wine on said date? At least you’ll be able to pee without having to undo the entire contraption. (Even Kim Kardashian pees all over her Spanx because they aren’t crotchless enough, so congratulations, you just evaded a colossal, Kardashian-level wardrobe glitch.)
– Moving on to logistics, let me just say out loud what everyone’s thinking: how do you sit in these? Or curl up on the couch? Or, really, walk? Does the embellished, SATC-style garter attachment cut into your belly? Note that I feel the same way about hohm klohz (explanation here) as I do men, which is a) you shouldn’t be able to feel them on your body unless you want to and b) the older the better. Anyway, slipping out of your shoes just isn’t an option here.
– Of course we’re all about embracing our bodies and wearing whatever the hell we want, but from a hardcore styling POV, which body type do these boots flatter? A pear-shaped silhouette à la Riri would be great, but what about our flat-bootied friends? But know what? They’re your $3,995, so you do you.
– Finally, the most burning question of them all: Does Drake approve? He sure had a (somewhat sexist) problem when his girl “started wearing less and going out more” – was he referring to Riri in the 9 to 5s? Well, doesn’t matter, Riri DGAF about him – or me, come to think of it. Slay on, girlfriend!